I'm jealous of your bromance
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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