so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
