His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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