Cold hands, warm shart.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
