this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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