I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
