I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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