I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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