I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
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