WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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