Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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