If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
