Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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