im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
