I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
