Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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