There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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