First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
