I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
