new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize