Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
