My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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