Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
