Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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