Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
