yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
