I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
