I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
