I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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