can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
