fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize