proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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