he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
