I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
