I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
