OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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