You're so nebulous sometimes
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
