On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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