so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just threw up on my dentist
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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