all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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