its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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