I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
