mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Randomize
