Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
