my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
