Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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