I got chris browned last night
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
