I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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