he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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