my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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