So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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