How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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