hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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