I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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