I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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