Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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