You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
