no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
