I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
