I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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