i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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