I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
