i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
