I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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