dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
