Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
