I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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