Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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