I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
there is glitter all over my balls
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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