Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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