I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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